Thanksgiving Day comes with one large task: To make a turkey (and to finally—successfully—steal Aunt Mable’s secret pie recipe). According to the many years of trial and error of Thanksgiving-turkey-makers everywhere, making a turkey is no easy task. First you have to take it out of the bag, and then you have to thaw it, spice it, and cook it (and don’t even get me started on the hours you have to wait for your swollen masterpiece to pop out of the oven, ugh!). Regardless of the artisan-like qualities that one feels they must possess to make a turkey, safety is also a major (if not the first) factor that should be considered during planning. Fear not, dear citizen, the Loiselle-inator is here to guide you through your Turkey woes (we’ve been talking about a lot of woes lately…)! (We also give you tips on how to keep those family members away.
It is possible that you may or may not have heard of the latest turkey cooking trend known as deep frying a turkey (they have already tried deep frying ice cream—with surprising success—so turkey frying was bound to happen). If you do plan on trying this trend, do it outside! You will need three gallons of peanut or vegetable oil, a fully seasoned turkey that is dry of all external moisture, one whole white onion and a really large pot (I’m talking stockpot sized). In the pot, heat oil to 400 degrees F and put aside a platter that you will use to put the cooked turkey in. Open the neck of the turkey at least two inches and place it with the whole onion in a basket and slowly lower it into the pot (wear long, fire and heat resistant gloves when doing this, severe burns could be a result of a poorly managed turkey). Depending on how large the turkey is, it will take three and a half minutes to cook each pound. Take the turkey out and stab the thickest portion of the thigh with a thermometer. If it reads 180 degrees F, then do a slow motion victory jump like they do in the movies, because your turkey is ready.
We are well aware that there are those of you who will want to go the traditional route and use the oven. Great! Just go about your usual routine of seasoning your turkey and filling it with stuffing. This is probably a good time to mention to remember to remove the plastic bag inside of the turkey which contains the neck and gizzard (not that someone by the name of Janet left it inside or anything…). However, a common problem for many people when using the oven is maintaining moisture in the meat of the turkey. Don’t worry, this is simple. All you need is a nice thick syringe and a blended spice concoction with water. While carrying out your usual preparation method, inject the turkey in several places to enable the spices and moisture to be absorbed by the flesh. Now you can throw your turkey in the oven (not literally)! Every thirty minutes or so, take some of the juice from the turkey and tinkle it over the turkey. When your turkey is fully cooked and browned, pull it out and watch it disappear into never ending pits of digestion (A.K.A stomachs).
We know that sometimes you have those people that you just wish would avoid you at all costs, so here is one helpful tip to avoid them:
- Do the opposite of everything you have just read.
Happy Thanksgiving (and remember to fully cook your turkey because a well done turkey is a very dead turkey ….)!